AIRES: Remember last week when you were playing with your dog, and you thought it’d be funny to give him peanut butter? Next time place the peanut butter on the roof of HIS mouth…. On second thought, the stars think that your way is funnier. Carry on.

TAURUS: You are very much appreciated at your workplace, and your supervisors realize they could never manage without your quiet efficiency and superior effort. Is there anything you can’t do? You wear so many hats around there...however, clearly the most adorable is the tall, puffy white one that says: “Kiss me! I taste like frosting!”

GEMINI: If you are reading this yourself, and you’re reading pretty good, and you’re thinking we should’ve used the word “well” instead of “good,” then maybe it’s time to explore your opportunities.
Seriously. Put down the horoscopes already, and pick up a paper that has an employment section. You know we’re right.

CANCER: Felt pretty good at first when your boss took you aside and said, “It must have been cold there in my shadow; to never have sunlight on your face. You were content to let me shine...that’s your way. You always walked a step behind. I was the one with all the glory, while you were the one with all the....”
Then you were like, “Hey! Wait a minute!”

LEO: On the one hand, you displayed tremendous restraint when old Aunt Agatha kept bugging at your cousin’s wedding. The stars were very proud of you, especially when she’d point at the altar and say, “Don’t worry, honey, you’re next!”
You got her back though, didn’t you, when she sat next to you again at your other cousin’s funeral, and you said the same thing to her.

VIRGO: The menu you put together for the recent celebration was brilliant, especially the wide variety of unique desserts. The stars think that you truly are a creative genius.
The graduation cake that looks like a cap and gown surrounded by tumbling diplomas...gorgeous. Crème Brûlée Cheesecake...delish! But, um...Hamsicles? Really?

LIBRA: After a lifetime of losing, you are finally getting it right. The stars are very proud of you. BUT, in a few days you will come down with an uncomfortable, contagious lower body rash. It will clear up, but in the meantime, get used to strangers yelling in public, “A good ointment will salve your problem! Ha, ha.” Or, “Are you scratching your contagious, lower-body rash, or are you just glad to see me? Heh.”

SCORPIO: Soon, the second-highest member of an obscure religious sect will approach you. You will easily recognize him as he is bitter about losing the recent election. He’s sure the vote was fixed. He also wears a button on his frock that shouts to the world: FIND FAITH NOW! ASK ME HOW! He will convince you to join the sect, along with all your friends, and your button will read: LOSE FRIENDS NOW! ASK ME HOW!

SAGITTARIUS: We realize for months you’ve been told the stars are urging you along a sunlit path, and have made decisions based upon our interpretation of the ancient wisdom of astrology.
Oops. We were wrong. Sorry. We were holding the charts the wrong way, kind of a little bit sideways, and we got confused. Don’t be mad. It shouldn’t be too bad. Maybe.

CAPRICORN: So, you’re job hunting, eh? Well, the stars know that potential employers always seem to get hung up on what you’ve done before. You, on the other hand, are already over it. If you wanted to talk about an old job, you’d probably still be there, right? So, every time your new boss [fingers crossed] asks about a previous job, try this: “Knock, knock.” (“Who’s there?”) “Ha! Not ME anymore! Next question….”

AQUARIUS: The first part of this cycle looks interesting. Love and luck are prominent, and confidence will be high. Toward the middle of the cycle, though, you will develop a pronounced stutter, and be unable to speak unless you include the word “whittle.” If this is the normal way you speak, it will be business as usual. Otherwise, your best bet is to shut up, or people will most likely throw big sticks at you.

PISCES: Be very afraid.
That’s it. That’s really all there is, but so you don’t feel cheated, the stars have given you an assignment. Grease three pigs—numbered one, two, and four—and let ‘em loose in the mall. By the time security realizes there’s no fourth piggy…well, the scariest part of your astral cycle should be behind you. Nice.